


Asami and pick up lines

by Kinoshita1227



Category: Finder no Hyouteki | Finder Series
Genre: Bad Pick Up Lines, Fluff, Funny, I Don't Even Know, M/M, dirty pick up lines, if you have a weird sense of humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-27
Updated: 2015-09-27
Packaged: 2018-04-23 16:00:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4883020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kinoshita1227/pseuds/Kinoshita1227
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when Akihito is bored on his day off? He searches for pick up lines... To his lover's unamusement.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Asami and pick up lines

Disclaimer: I own neither the characters nor the pick up lines

*

It was just another day that Akihito awoke to a significant lack of body heat next to him. He rolled over to the other side of the bed, letting the sheets tangle around his legs and body.

"Damn that bastard... Leaving without telling me again..." He muttered, face smothered in Asami's pillow.

Akihito wasn't usually so annoyed by Asami's absence in the morning, he just happened to have no jobs scheduled for the day. Deep down, he was secretly hoping that they could spend the day together like a normal couple. But of course, there was no one else to blame besides himself for not telling Asami. The man in question would have definitely taken the day off to spend time with his kitten if he had just asked. He groaned inwardly.

In other words, the boy kind of missed Asami's touch. Just a little bit. It's not that he didn't jerk off on his own, but the man himself was definitely way better than his hands. Just having those thoughts run through his mind made him blush from the tips of his ears to his neck. Hey, can't blame a man for feeling horny. Lately, the timing that they came back from work always seemed to clash such that when Asami returned Akihito was sleeping, and when Akihito returned Asami would still be at work doing illegal things. They had barely even seen each other for about two weeks and it was starting to take a toll on Akihito.

"I swear... It's all that bastard's fault! I never even really had 'needs' before." He huffed, slowly getting out of bed. It was a somewhat foreign feeling actually; getting out of bed without his whole body and a particular part of his lower half aching like crazy. As ridiculous as that sounded.

Akihito carried out his usual morning routine, freshening up and cooking breakfast for one, except that this time he didn't get changed and just walked around the house in nothing but his boxers. He lazed around the house for a bit, wondering what he should do in his free time.

After a while of doing absolutely nothing at all, Akihito finally decided to get out of the house and do something. Staying indoors during his day off would be a terribly huge waste. The fridge needed some stocking up too, so he guessed he could go out to buy groceries at the very least. Akihito put on his usual garb consisting of a loose tank top, leather jacket and ripped jeans, then headed to the doorway to don his worn-out sneakers. No matter the occasion, he always inwardly snickered at the stark contrast between his shoes and Asami's shoes in the cabinet. It was like, dare he say it, a little kid's shoes next to his dad's. Grabbing his Vespa keys off the counter, Akihito left the penthouse.

"Takaba-sama. Where are you planning on going?" One of the guards stationed outside the door questioned him.

"Grocery shopping. Am I prohibited from that as well?" He rolled his eyes mentally. He may as well just call Asami every morning and say 'Hey! I just brushed my teeth and made the bed and masturbated this morning! Can I get some money to go out? Please, dad?' Actually, that was kind of a funny thought. He should try that some day. The boy sniggered to himself.

"Allow me to escort you, then, Takaba-sama."

"No thanks," he swung the keys on his finger. "I'll just take my Vespa. You can follow behind or whatever if you want." By this time, Akihito had learnt that there was no point in making the guards work harder just because he was pissed. They're only trying to do their job. Asami was the one who should be inconvenienced. Of course, the ones most benefitted by Akihito's sudden realisation were the guards themselves.

"We will."

*

The supermarket was nothing grand, just a regular ol' supermarket. It was Akihito's favourite, however, because it always had time sales at night. Right up his alley. It was mid-afternoon at the time of course, but he wasn't going to laze around until night just to await the time sale. It's not like Asami was poor.

Akihito picked out fruits and vegetables, like a good housewife. He grabbed a bunch of bananas and was about to put them in his basket when he noticed a small tag on them: 'Are you a banana? Because you sure look a-peeling.'

At that, Akihito had to cover his mouth to hold in a laugh.

"What's wrong, Takaba-sama?" The guard peered worriedly at him.

"Nothing. Just... Imagine if I told this to Asami." He grinned wickedly and held the bananas up for the guard to see. The guard's eyes widened considerably and his lips threatened to turn into an amused smile, but he covered it up with a slight cough.

"I don't think Asami-sama will really appreciate that." _But he might enjoy punishing you if you try. _He tried hard to maintain the stoic facade.__

"Hm. I guess you're right." Akihito shrugged nonchalantly, but the mischievous glint in his eyes betrayed his thoughts. He continued shopping, and the rest of the afternoon went by uneventfully.

*

Back at the penthouse, Akihito quickly put away all the groceries and rushed to his computer. He hurriedly typed into google search, starting to plan an evil scheme in his head.

_'dirty pick up lines' _search__

He couldn't hold in a snicker as he tried to imagine Asami's reaction when he would suddenly start spouting dirty pick up lines.

_'Were you conceived on a sofa? Because you're sofacking fine' ___

_'Are you constipated? Because I want to f*** the shit out of you.' ___

_'That dress looks nice on you. But it'd look nicer on my bedroom floor.' ___

_'Did you sit in a pile of sugar? Cuz you got one sweet ass.' ___

_'Are you a raisin? Cuz you araisin' my dick.' ___

Akihito couldn't wait. Asami's expression would be priceless. He'd keep his camera ready for when he threw all these at the man.

"This will go down in history! Asami the ever-expressionless fixer will be positively horrified to hear all that come out from MY mouth!" Akihito cackled evilly.

He set up his camera, and positioned it strategically on the couch so that he could easily grab it. Then he turned on his favourite tv show and tried to act normal while waiting for his lover's return.

*

Asami entered the penthouse and the first thing he noticed were the lights and television that were turned on in the living room. _Oh? Is Akihito home? ___

He quietly slipped off his shoes and jacket, wondering what his little kitten was up to. Expecting to see him sleeping on the couch as he often did, Asami was (pleasantly) surprised to find him up and awake.

"Asami! You're home!" The boy noticed the man's presence and greeted him cheerfully. Akihito had been so engrossed in his show and hadn't even heard the man come home.

"Didn't you have work today?" Asami asked.

"No. Boss didn't have any jobs for me so I just stayed home today." Asami was secretly touched that his boy called the penthouse 'home'.

"Why didn't you tell me? We could have had... a day off together." His voice lowered a few octaves when he said that, obviously implying what he meant.

"B-bastard! That's EXACTLY why I didn't tell you." Akihito glared at the man menacingly, but his beet red blush wasn't exactly helping to intimidate anyone.

"So you did consider _that _, kitten?" Teasing Akihito had to be one of his favourite past times.__

"No! I-I... That's not what I meant! You pervert! Who the hell would think about you in their spare time! I sure d-don't, okay!" _The boy really sucked at lying, big time. ___

Asami smirked, bemused at his kitten's hair-standing-on-end behaviour.

"Sorry I left you all alone, kitten. Did you have fun without me?"

"I have a name! Don't call me kitten! And you bet I did!" Akihito huffed and turned away. He was almost ready to just leave the room and ignore the man for the rest of the night. His fingers brushed against something and suddenly, his eyes widened as he remembered he had a mission to accomplish. He had almost forgotten!

He turned around slowly to face Asami, lips slowly spreading into a sly smirk. He looked the man up and down, readying himself to carry out his perfect masterplan.

"Why are you looking at me like that, Akihito?" Asami eyed him suspiciously, wondering what the brat had up his sleeve this time.

"Is that a new shirt, Asami?"

The question took him completely aback. That was not what he was expecting.

"No... I've had it for a while now. I suppose I'm not really shocked you don't remember because you were so eagerly removing it some time ago." He smirked as Akihito started getting flustered, face turning red again.

"W-what I wanted to say was!" He gulped slightly, suddenly aware that maybe his plan might have some loopholes after all... Regardless, he reached behind his back inconspicuously to grab his camera. "That shirt looks becoming on you. If..."

Asami didn't really know where the boy was going with this but decided to humour him anyway. "If...?" he prodded.

"If I was on you... I'd be coming too."

At that, Asami's eyebrows lifted so high it was like they were trying to return to heaven. His jaw slackened considerably and his mouth gaped open slightly. _What the actual heck did Akihito just say?! Did he just... ___

Click! The clicking sound of a camera brought him back to reality. Akihito was holding a camera in his hands, taking a picture of Asami, and giggling uncontrollably. He narrowed his eyes dangerously at the boy.

"Oh my *hic* GOD! You * hic* should *hic* see yourself!" Akihito couldn't contain the hysterical laughter bubbling out of his chest. _Asami's face! _It was even better than he had imagined! And he caught a picture of it even! How amazing was that! Akihito had been second guessing his masterplan to get a shot of Asami's shocked expression, but it totally worked. And was sooo worth the effort! Not that there was much. Anyway, he clutched his stomach as he rolled on the carpet laughing, on the verge of tears.__

Hahaha *hic hahahaha..." His laughter slowly trailed off as he noticed the spine chilling glare Asami was sending him. He gulped nervously for the second time that night. Shit. He had forgotten to consider the likely outcomes of his plan. Shit shit shit shit shit shit.

"Ha. Ha. Very funny, Akihito." Asami used as harsh a voice as possible.

"I know, right!" He knew he was playing with fire at this point but he just couldn't help it.

"You know I'm going to have to punish you for that, right?"

Akihito eyes widened in horror. But... It was just a picture!

"But... I only took a picture!" Asami just continued glaring at him, one eyebrow raised.

"Do you really think that's going to change my mind?"

"Maybe...?" Akihito smiled sheepishly.

Asami's unamused face was the last thing he saw as he got hauled over the man's shoulder and carried back to the master bedroom. He heard a few clicks and knew that he was being brought to the secret room. Akihito started struggling, refusing to resign to his fate.

"You bastard! Can't you take a joke! Let me go!" In response, Asami slapped the boy's wiggling ass threateningly.

"Did you seriously think you'd get out of this with some fairytale ending?"

"Maybe... I thought it would just end with 'and he laughed happily ever after' or something... Haha..."

Asami threw him down onto the bed and handcuffed his hands to the bedpost. It wasn't an easy feat because Akihito was still struggling like a fish out of water. The man held him down and kissed him roughly.

"Fairytale ending, hm. Well, I can give you Cinderella's if you want."

Akihito stopped struggling for a moment and looked at the man quizzically. "Cinderella? What? Asami... Have you finally gone senile?"

Ignoring that snarky comment, Asami simply smirked and replied. "Cinderella because..."

"I can see your clothes coming off by midnight."

With that said, he lunged down and made sure that Akihito was coming all over him (like his shirt) for the rest of the night, and morning.

*

The morning after

Akihito awoke to the familiar warmth next to him. Still half asleep, he snuggled closer and felt a muscular arm tighten around his waist. "Mmm... Asami..." He mumbled breathlessly, seeking all of that warmth that only one man could give him. It was so comfortable, it almost felt like they were being domestic and cute even despite their strange relationship.

Suddenly, Akihito became aware of something hard and familiar poking into his stomach. All of the events of the night before also came flooding into his mind as his brain started to wake up. His eyes shot wide open to see a certain smirking golden-eyed Asami staring straight at him.

"Finally awake, kitten?"

Akihito just glared at him. "Bastard," he muttered, before turning around to make Asami face his back.

Asami didn't respond, just leaned down to rest his head on the boy's shoulder. After a short while he started nipping gently at his delicate skin. Akihito sighed in pleasure. _I could wake up to this every morning. ___

But, there was a very pressing (pun intended) problem at the moment that Akihito needed to address.

"Asami. Why the hell are you hard in the freaking morning after? Was last night not enough?! We went SIX rounds, mind you!" He turned his head slightly to glare at the man in question.

"I think it's your fault, kitten. You must have lived in a chicken farm."

Again with the random weird statements?! Akihito rolled his eyes. "What the heck is that supposed to mean? Plus, I wasn't brought up in a chicken farm, I was brought up like a normal person, unlike a certain privileged someone, by the way! And how does that make it my fault anyway?"

"Because, Akihito..." He breathed onto the boy's neck, earning himself an involuntary shiver.

"You really know how to raise a cock."

Akihito slowly let the words sink into his still slightly sleep-muddled brain. His eyes widened slowly...

"ASAMI!!!!!!"

**Author's Note:**

> ....... I don't know why I did that either. I just happened to see the pick up lines somewhere and HAD to write a fanfiction about it. I get the randomest inspirations ever, I know. Hope you guys enjoyed it anyway! At the very least I think the pick up lines were pretty funny hahaha... 
> 
> Reviews are GREATLY appreciated <3


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